i guess its amazing what a year or so of time can do to someone's mind. people can change over time...i have. i'm not perfect.....not by a long shot but i feel like my mind has changed some. the way i look at certain things is different...or atleast the perception of it is. i guess anyone that reads what i write knew that this past weekend i was planning on riding to louisville to talk to rene' dillards mom...get some things out in the open. for anyone who doesn't know about that or anything then dont worry about it...its a shit hard story to tell and i really dont like talking about it unless asked or anything. basically i rode in silence the entire trip. no music or anything. my mind was racing as to what i was going to say and if i even really wanted to say anything at all. there was a couple of times that i started to take an exit and turn around but the words of a friend a few hours earlier kept me from doing it. (thanks joe) i remembered the way to the dillard house by heart. I got there around 10 AM. her house looked idenical...except for the new shrubery around the porch. i basically lost almost all feeling in my legs while i walked up the porch steps. i opened up the screen door but before i could knock i heard the locks being unlocked. i guess her mom heard me pull up. i was assuming she was home alone because her PT cruiser was the only car in the drive way. once she opened the door there was an awkward silence. she just kinda stared at me and i stared back. i really had absolutely no idea what to say at this point....the silence was finally broken by a simple "hi". she asked why i was here and i told her i needed to talk to her about something. so she came out on the porch and we sat down.....*second awkward moment of silence*. silence is broken again when she says that she figured she'd never see me again. i told her i figured the same thing about her. but that i knew that couldn't be if i ever wanted to have some type of peace in my life...but that i know i cant have it all. i told her that i was sorry about everything a year ago but a time's gone on i'm more sorry and everything....i told her i wished i could take it all back....but i knew i couldn't...and i couldn't let it go. she asked me what brought on the change and i told her i didn't know. then she asked me if i had found religion or something.......i basically told her the truth....that i had been accepting religious beliefs more but i hadnt exactly surrendered my life over completely. "did you love her?" i told her that she knew i did.....but evidently i had a hard time showing it sometimes and esspecially the time when it counted the most. at this point her mom is crying and everything but i dont want to cry and i refuse to so i dont. but i wont say that i'm not hurting right now....... the conversation proceeded to get better. we ended up talking about rene' in a good way. about all the good things about her and how much we both cared about her. we talked about all the family get togethers that rene' had me go to so that i could be closer with her family. her mothers tears eventually dried up and i made her laugh several times with funny stories from those days.....like how when i took her to dinner at....(damnit to hell what was the name of that resteraunt??????????) and how our waiter was a middle aged, bald black man. he got us our drinks then went back because we were still ordering our food. rene' flicked the back of menu to get my attention and she said...."our waiter looks like brown." remember brown from the tyler perry movie "meet the browns" look it up. i looked over and got a good look at him and she was frigging right. he looked exactly like Brown!!!!! i desided to one-up her brilliant observation by pointing out that he also kinda sorta sounded like rick james.....(in the portrayal by dave chappelle) she half way agreed that he sounded like rick james and i said that i wished he'd say "i'm rick james, bitch!" to which she busted out laughing. this girl had an awesome laugh too. it was kinda cute in a way........not retarded like my krusty the clown laugh. So "Brown" comes back to take our orders and when he asks us if we're ready i guess she realized more that he sounded like rick james....and she cracked up snickering. i tried to play it off and order for us but when i looked up and saw that HE DID look exactly like Brown i cracked up too. so basically we have a Brown/Rick James waiter standing there wondering what the hell is so funny and neither one of us can stop laughing long enough to order our food. they had a TV playing in there and "Brown" saw me look at it and assumed that we were laughing at it. So he started making comments on every commerical and everything that was on there. "Yeah that Judge Judy's a trip"....and he said that in his rick james voice and the laughing continued. I'd try to drink some of my tea to settle down and low and behold it'd come back up out of my nose which.........you guessed it........made both me and her laugh even harder........which..........you guessed right again.......made "Brown" laugh more at the TV. So basically Brown is laughing at us laughing at him so we're all preety much laughing at nothing but ourselves. (I'm not proud to say this but it reminds me alot of when me and my friends would smoke pot after school.) Finally I ended up pointing at items on the menu so he could put our orders in and be done with it. For the rest of our time there we laughed through our dinner and both of our faces were as red as that damn crab on that nickelodeon cartoon with the talking sponge. I did make sure to leave a generous tip for the trouble. So basically me and Mrs. Dillard shared stories like that for a while. she came out in the open and said the one thing that made my day and made everyday for the next ten years. "I know Rene' wasn't your fault. We all just want to blame someone sometimes for bad things that happen....I dont blame you anymore and you better the hell not blame yourself." I damn sure wouldn't trade the winning lottery ticket for that word. She hugged me and told me she loved me and took down my address because she says she'll like to keep in touch. I dont think she wanted to let me go....but i feel certain that wont be the last time we talk. She watched me pull out of her drive way and I made my way into down town. I desided to spend the rest of the day in louisville. I went to the bashford mall....saw shrek 3.....and watched some wrestling at OVW. I started to get a room to stay at but remembered I was too damn cheap. So I stopped at a gas station....got a black and mild cigar and went drove to a quiet area...parked the truck....turned on a little music and sat up top...watching the stars for a little while and blowing smoke rings into the night......then i headed on home...getting home at almost 4AM Saturday morning. I wanted to write about it all sooner but i've been working alot of over time at work. a voice mail reminded me that there are some people in the world who are concerned with what's going on in my life and i owe it to those people to give them an update on things....esspecially something this huge. I guess all and all i learned a few things. One is that you cant live in the past....the past will beat you down to your knees and it'll keep you there if you let it. Also......."the only cure for fear is action" Me. | 
